The role we unconsciously play- Persecutor

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The Persecutor

The Persecutor

As one of the roles in The Drama Triangle, the Persecutor can be the agent or the client. The Persecutor is sometimes authoritarian, which may sound something like, ” The is the price I will list at, or we won’t be doing business together!” The Persecutor may be highly critical which may sound something like, “This house will never sell!” So you can see how the role could be you as the agent, or the client could also be in this role.

Someone who is used to playing this role will treat the other party like a victim or a child. An example would be a client who asks a question the agent thinks is silly. The agent goes into the role of Persecutor and treats the client as weak and helpless. While not stated overtly, the agent may become condescending every time this client calls and talk down to them.

 

The Drama Triangle

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Superman Drama

Superman Drama

 

In NLP, The Drama Triangle refers to roles that play out in highly charged situations. Each and every client we work with comes to us with a strategy for the sale or purchase of a home. This operates like a movie storyboard or a life script that may  run a strategy in many areas of their lives.  Being a part of this movie script prevents equality in the relationship and will go for as long as one of you is willing to play a role.

The Drama Triangle refers to three roles in the strategy of power, responsibility and vulnerability. The roles are played on an unconscious level, as a matter of fact, you may be playing one right now as the agent and not even realize it. When we buy into the drama of any situations, it can escalate problems.

The three positions are:

The way these roles interact with each other happens in a way that self perpetuates. The Persecutor will blame the victim, the victim feels oppressed, the victim will find a Rescuer, when the Rescuer cannot save the victim, guilt will follow  and the Rescuer may take on the role of a permissive and attention giving parent, which reinforces the victim who is seeking attention.

The Rescuer who has failed, now takes on the role of the victim. ( Ever tried to save a deal, failed and went into victim mode?) The person who was originally the victim, now takes on the role of Persecutor and criticizes the person who was trying to rescue them. ( The client who is now angry because their deal fell through changes from victim to persecutor, blaming the agent for everything that went wrong)

As you look at your own role as an agent, are you checking to see whether your are rescuing your client, playing the victim, or persecuting your client? What action do you need to take to stop the cycle?

 

 

Should you rescue your client?

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Superman Drama

Superman Drama

As Real Estate Agents, we  aspire to bring our best self to our clients. Aside from personality layers and belief systems, we are all decent people who simply want the best for others. If was saw one of our clients needed our help, we would not hesitate.

Sometimes agents can take on more than their fair share of the work involved in selling a home. They go into “Rescuer” and “Fixer” mode. You might have gone overboard if you are:

  • Reducing your commission several times a year to put a deal together.
  • Purchasing furniture from the client because it doesn’t fit on their moving truck.
  • Having many conversations to “save” your deal without letting the other agent or the client be part of the solution.
  • Buying a client an overly extravagant gift that makes them feel uncomfortable.
  • Getting involved in the emotions and drama of the deal
  • Buying into a client’s story and repeating it to stir the pot.
  • Not taking care of yourself, so you are stressed and on overload when you try to help the client
  • Being overly attached to the outcome and feel responsible for everything.
  • Having the thought that they don’t know what they are doing.
  • Feeling guilt if you don’t try to rescue them.
  • Worrying about your client and being overly empathetic.
  • Telling people the dramatic story of how you rescued someone!

On some level, all of our clients want us to support their strategy or system. You too can be drawn into their world if you allow it. If they have a strategy of being a victim and you have a strategy of being the rescuer, you will meet and the relationship will one of co-dependence. If any of the above apply to you, it’s useful to talk to your coach and observe what makes you want to rescue people. Do you have a fear of losing control? Are you validated by rescuing those you see as victims?

The agent who rescues a needy client reduces the client’s power so that the client shows up in a weak state and will ask the agent for emotional or financial help at every twist and turn. I know an agent who got so caught up in being a rescuer, she was mowing her clients grass and cleaning their house at no charge!

It’s very similar to a parent/child relationship where a marshmallow parent rescues a child by allowing them to do whatever they want ( clients) without allowing them to step up to be responsible for their actions.

The language of the “Rescuer” is ” Let me help you”. On an unconscious level, we expect clients to fail if we are trying to rescue this person and see them in the “Victim” role.

There is frantic activity when we are trying to rescue someone. When we are frantic, we make our clients frantic. Maybe clients have their own super powers.

When Body Language Goes Bad

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How do we know when body language goes bad? In NLP, the meaning of our communication is the response we get.

Kind of obvious that something went wrong here. Whether presenting an Oscar or winning sales, we are always communicating something with our body language.

It’s a critical part of communication to have the sensory acuity to sense when we are in someone else’s personal space. When the space is violated, the response is clear…the other person may stiffen or express discomfort with micro expressions.  Most body language experts agree that 36″ or more  is a recommended distance  for social and business encounters. Anything closer is for personal and intimate encounters with loved one and personal friends.

Touch is something to use very carefully and only if in rapport. A touch on the shoulder or arm is fine for reassurance if the other party is kinesthetic and you have developed TRUST. Never assume it’s okay to touch someone until you absolutely know you are in sync. How do you know? You are mirroring and matching, focused on the other person and taking in the subtle clues of rapport.

Now, no one reading this would ever get so inappropriate as this on a client appointment. This extreme example is just a good reminder to respect others space. It shows respect and professionalism.

 

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The Curious Presentation

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YES, curiosity is important when doing a presentation to buyers or sellers. You can automatically test the level of interest in whatever you are presenting based on whether you are getting the sensory feedback and behavior indicating that your client may be curious. They will lean forward a little and their eyes will be tracking what you are presenting to them.

What I’m going to ask is more related to self curiosity. How curious are you about THEM? Because the only thing we can really control in a client situation is our own state and our own behavior. We can’t force them to be curious about what we are presenting unless we have an interest in them.

Notice that whenever we are curious, our senses are focused on that which has our attention. When we become curious about clients, we are more interested in them than our own self talk.  We get a holiday from all of our (very normal but not always helpful) internal chatter about how we might persuade them or what we are going to have for dinner as soon as we leave. Clients know we are curious when we are giving them the body language and eye contact that is congruent with curiosity. The language patterns of curiosity are simple..” I’m curious”, or “tell me more about that…”

Curiosity means we are not telling/selling, we are ASKING questions.

Being curious is optimal in these situations:

  • If you have a buyer or seller who is angry or is very critical of something. For instance, the seller who calls to say you are not advertising the home enough will shift once you start to be curious.
  • When things don’t turn out as we planned. Ever have a buyer who has changed their mind? Instead of being reactive, get curious! It puts the focus on them.
  • We forget something or make a mistake.  Don’t you hate that moment when a detail gets overlooked? Being curious causes us to shift our attention away from blame and guilt and into something better.
  • We find ourselves going negative or getting cranky. The fastest way to shift into a better state is to get curious.

Honest curiosity is a gift to our clients.

Watch for next week’s blog on the NLP curiosity installation process…

 

 

My Favorite Books and Resources for NLP

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I recently watched a fantastic video on called ” How do you learn Faster” and my favorite quote from author Brendon Burchard is ” Learning doesn’t happen someday, it has to happen consistently.”

Some of my favorite books and resources for NLP ( Neuro-Linguistic Programming) are listed below.

NLP for Dummies is my “dog-eared-go-to-guide.” It’s written in an easy to understand style without all of the highly technical language of the therapy/pscyhology field. Available in book format, and on audible.com and this  NLP cheat sheet will keep you focused and curious.

Body Language is a big part of building rapport ( rapport is one of the foundations of NLP).  There are many good books about body language, some of my favorites are: You Say More Than You Think: A 7 day Plan for using the New Body Language to Get What You Want. One of my favorite insights is from page 54 which gives a strategy for a strong introduction.  Get the Belly Button Rule on Page 66.

There is a powerful NLP technique called ” Acting As If”. This Ted Talk by Ann Cuddy will give you some insight into the body language of confidence.

Shelle Rose Charvet is famous in NLP Circles. Her book Words that Change Minds, Mastering the Language of Influence uses the LAB Profile Pattern Summary to help us observe the patterns of motivation that will shorten a sales cycle.

It can be a challenge to present eye pattern cues in my over the phone classes. Here is a clear Eye Pattern video that will help clarify the sensory cues.

The way we study NLP should be immersive in order to achieve the maximum results. If you had a desire to swim, you could certainly learn about it through video or books. However, the only way to actually learn is experiential and the same is true of NLP.

The Other Side of Behaving Badly…

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the-smoking-effect-l-1Behaving badly doesn’t always mean  what we think it does. Have you ever heard this voice?

“I don’t REALLY have to get up at 5 AM. I could work out tomorrow instead. It wouldn’t hurt to skip one day, would it?”

“ I can just skip lead generation today. I can catch up tomorrow.”

Where is that voice coming from? With the best of plans, intentions and New Year’s resolutions, this voice is not helping! Or is it?

One of the most interesting things from an NLP perspective to observe is how this voice is actually INTENT ON HELPING YOU because every behavior has a positive intention.

How is that possible when it’s clear the “voice” is trying to derail what we said we wanted?

Look at these examples of what we would normally call “ Negative Behavior” and how they may be actually be looking out for you.

Smoking- While our rational mind knows that smoking is not a behavior that supports our health, the behavior may help us relax, which has a positive impact.

Fear of making a decision- The positive intention behind fear is usually “safety”. Ever have a seller who followed their fear and backed out of a transaction? Backing out made them feel “ safer” than completing the transaction.

The next time you hear that “voice” or experience a client who is exhibiting a behavior that seems to not be in their best interest, ask yourself…”is there a hidden positive intention here that I can acknowledge?”

For instance, “ I don’t REALLY have to get up at 5 am to work out” . The hidden intention may be comfort. Once we realize the choices and separate them from who we really are, we can simply ask these questions (for ourselves and for clients) :

“Which choice will move me FORWARD toward my goals and dreams?”

“What’s the impact of my choice to my life?”

It could be that backing out of the deal is the most ecological choice for the client. Understanding that every behavior has a positive intention takes the “wrong” out of the equation.

Why NLP is a perfect match for Real Estate Agents

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The answer is simple…communication=sales. Many agents live on the hamster wheel  by trying harder and harder and going faster and faster! Contacting more and more people! And sadly, never really connecting  because they have not taken the time to master advanced communication skills.

With so many tools competing for our attention, the ONE most basic and critical to our success so often gets overlooked..communication.

How we say it.

How to build rapport.

Being a good listener.

Bringing meaning to people’s lives.

Slow down, breathe, and look into someone’s eyes. Ask them what’s important to them. Build trust. Assist them in moving forward in their lives.

NLP empowers us to be the best communicators we can be.

20 Ways to carve out an extra hour of productive time!

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One Extra Hour

One Extra Hour

20 Ways to carve out an extra hour of productive time!

  1. Put a sign on your door that says DO NOT DISTURB and indicate the times (critical)
  2. Be proactive and intentional about phone calls. . Let others know when you will be available and ask them when they are available for phone calls.
  3.  Wake up an hour earlier
  4. Stop driving so much. Combine errands. Work from home more. Take lunch to the office instead of driving somewhere.
  5.  Go to bed one hour later
  6. Take a short power nap
  7. Shop on the internet
  8. Listen to books on tape in the car
  9. Have all phone numbers accessible
  10.  Turn all paperwork in at time of sale to avoid back tracking for missing document
  11. Get a cleaning person, a yard person, a helper to look up phone numbers, or an assistant
  12. Put a clock in every room. Set timers as reminders.
  13.  Keep a time log
  14.  Don’t get bogged down on the internet. Set a timer for how long you will spend on social media.  Restrict email time.
  15.  Prioritize your goals based on your life intentions, and what will give you relief
  16.   Pay your bills automatically. Use phone deposit options
  17.  Carry a book with you to read during lunch or while waiting for doctors appointments
  18.  Organize your car with a checklist. How many times have we had to circle back to a buyer or seller to drop something off or put something up?
  19.  Do business close to home. Prospect your own street and save yourself tons of drive time.
  20.  Refer out the clients that are taking up a lot of time and energy.
  21.  Bonus point. Your workday is not from 8am to 8 pm. It is also important to allow yourself time that may not be considered productive, but is necessary for self care, family, and recreation.  One hour of more productive work time=1 hour of “ME” time or “WE ” time. 
walt-drawing

Business Planning with Walt Disney

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walt-drawing

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them” – Walt Disney

As we move forward in business planning for next year, one way to gain new perspective is to “model” someone  with a genius success strategy . NLP master Robert Dilts studied Walt Disney’s planning strategy through the lens of NLP to uncover the fundamental process of all genius: the ability to take something that exists only in VISIONARY REALITY and solidify it into PHYSICAL REALITY to fulfill Life Intentions. The Disney term “Imagineering” means turning dreams into reality.

We all have strategies that we run, from brushing our teeth to how we run a business. In NLP,  it’s useful to study the mental maps of people like Walt Disney and model the process for our own success. When we build a business/life plan we are using mental abilities to reorganize the world around us in a way that pleases us and pleases those we serve.

Walt Disney’s strategy involved three perceptions that worked hand in hand with each other. Simply put, they were the dreamer, the realist and the critic.  Just like a play or storyboard, he would wear each of those hats and ask his team to do so as well. This involved using three physical positions to separate the perceptions. He would have his team go into three different rooms or sit in three chairs.

Shall we try it? (Essential to this process is having a physical space for each part that is separate)

Place three sheets of paper on the floor of your office in different corners. Write on them with a pen or sharpie and make one the dreamer, one the realist and one the critic.  YOU WILL ACCESS THEM ONE AT A TIME. Don’t rush through this, do it thoughtfully for a breakthrough.

1. Step into the dreamer position. Think about your big goals, and what that looks like a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now. Dream without limits! When was the last time you allowed this to flow? Imagine what it would be like to be on a stage with thousands clapping for you as you win your award? See it, hear and feel it.

2. Now step into the realist position. Look at this through your senses as someone who is actually doing the things you dream about. Experience the action. What would someone who is going to Spain next year see, feel and experience and what would they be doing in physical reality to bring it to life? What plan would they make?

3. Now step into the critics role. Think of a movie critic and you have just presents the story board of your business/life plan. The critic may ask “what’s missing? Or does it work? Does it look right, does it feel right? The purpose of the critic is to make sure that something meets certain criteria and in combination with the dreamer and the realist can create something very extraordinary with very high standards.

If the idea is still alive after the critic looks at it, it then returns to the dreamer position for the work on the project to continue.

One of Disney’s colleagues said, ” …there were actually three different Walts: the dreamer, the realist and the spoiler. you never knew who was coming into your meeting.”

We all know that outcome and legacy of this strategy for Walt Disney. Creativity requires the roles of all three phases that can support each other.

Watch this video as a young girl with a dream goes through the Disney Creative Process.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMMTsbF5KnE